All The Feels…

Most of the time when June 1^st comes around, there’s always a singular emotion or thought that stands out more than others. This June 1^st wasn’t like the others, in fact, it was very different in that there isn’t one emotion that stands out. The days leading up to the day are the hardest. The suspense of the day grows until it comes, and then it just ends up being a day. You never really know how you’ll react or what you’ll feel until it happens.  The week before it’s natural for the accident to seep in and be in the back of your mind; trauma’s funny like that. When I thought about the accident, all the emotions are there – anger, gratefulness, a sense of being overwhelmed, confusion, and guilt. Overwhelmed because it was all the emotions and there isn’t a surviving a plane crash 101 emotions handbook to refer to, and it’s confusing because you figure it out as you go. I felt guilty because with that day comes the thoughts of what life is like and how it’s changed, which brings up anger, to an extent. How can you not feel angry at certain things when you’re reminded every day you aren’t at the 100 percent of a person you should be? My body is permanently damaged making it harder to do things, which is infuriating.  Then there’s that guilt that follows anger, because you think how you survived and should feel grateful and thankful to have more days on earth than the outcome that could have happened no matter what. Anger seems like it shouldn’t exist but it does so what do you do with it? I had a friend tell me that I can’t change it and being mad doesn’t change it but denying my feelings doesn’t change my feelings. That if I sometimes feel mad about it, I should just feel it. So that’s what I did, I felt the anger and once I did that, I went back to how I’m grateful to be alive. I’ll always be grateful but I won’t deny the other feelings that come with it. It’s okay to feel the anger as long as it doesn’t take over your day to day. I just deal with the emotions in front of me.

My sister-in-law asked me what it feels like now that it’s been 14 years. Does it feel like a long time or like yesterday?  I never really thought about it till she asked me and I didn’t know what to say. To answer that question, as June 1sts pass, it feels more and more like a dream. I have physical scars, limitations, and trauma from that day but the memory of it is so similar to remembering a dream. Some parts you remember and others are foggy. Most days it doesn’t feel real but then I go for a run or try to do something and remember it did happen and what I’m dealing with now is the emotions towards that day; navigating how to have those emotions toward something that doesn’t feel real. What’s appropriate and what isn’t appropriate. 14 years later, I’m learning how to look at the emotions in the eye, navigate them, and deal with all feelings as they come, because they’ll always come or be triggered by something.