Sitting in it…

I’ve been a bit MIA, a good hot minute or two since the last post. Meanwhile, I’ve been studying full time, crying, doing therapy, working full time, crying, doing more therapy, sickness here and there, and traveling. What more could you ask for? I’m not writing this for pity; I’m confident I don’t need it. In fact, anything I write isn’t for pity; you can keep that. It’s just where I’m at in life and its stuff that isn’t talked about freely and should be.

I graduated with my MBA (I know it was a shock to me too but that’s for another time), and I quit my job (not a shocker). When I got my second kidney infection, I knew I had to quit before the Texas summer, and my time there was done. I learned what I needed about myself, gained confidence in areas I didn’t have, and met who I needed to. I took a trip to Australia to surprise one of my best friends and yes, we pulled it off thanks to the help of her boyfriend. Came home for a weekend with extended family and my great aunt’s funeral along with a friend’s wedding. We really covered all the emotions that weekend from crying due to a loss, to dancing our hearts out at a family friend’s wedding. I’ve been to Dallas to visit friends, San Antonio for family, Vegas for both family and friends, Houston for friends and family, College Station for friends, and Rocky Mountains Colorado for what family could make it to celebrate parent’s anniversary trip. I’ve bounced back and forth a few times all while applying to jobs all over in different forms remote, on-site, and hybrid. If you know anyone, ya girl is looking and ready, jk but not really. I’m not typing all this and you’re not reading it all for nothing, there is a reason. I never noticed it before but in Australia when hanging with my friend and her boyfriend it hit me, a single word that stands out in everything I’ve done the last several months.

Lonely. A little six letter word just sticks out in all New Times Roman bold. Lonely. Don’t get me wrong, all the traveling I’ve done and time spent home with friends and family has been an absolute blast. I’m not lonely in that I have no friends or family around, in fact quite the opposite, I have a great group of friends who I’d do anything for and my family is top notch one of a kind. Wouldn’t trade them for anything. The lonely I’m talking about is the person to share all of this with, whoever I marry. It was clear to me what I wanted, I wanted that guy I can marry who’s my best friend that I can go on trips with and share all these moments with. Fairly normal to want that after the life I’ve lived and the age I’m at. You know society says I should be married already with two kids and to that, I say not everyone’s the same. So lonely just sticks out.

After I discovered that I was lonely, my mind was stuck on that word and not moving past it. I was just thinking about how I can solve the “problem” of being lonely, which is obviously finding the guy I’ll marry. You know, super easy. Go on dates I don’t want to go on. I’m not married due to the lack of trying; I’ve put my heart out there plenty of times, and right now I don’t feel like settling. I don’t remember the time, place, or what I was doing, but I moved past the word lonely and solving the “problem” and what I discovered is a time of growth and learning for myself and about myself.

Being lonely and knowing what you want is okay, but so is being lonely and learning you can take that trip you’ve always wanted to alone. Granted if a friend joins that’s more fun, but it isn’t like you need them to go; it’s just more fun. I’m sitting in being lonely and learning it’s okay to do what I want. Not sure where it was said that I couldn’t do things alone, but you know society has a weird way of putting that stuff in our heads. Most of my nights are spent alone in a house – just me and my thoughts (with food) and I’m learning to just be with them because I think before you can share that with someone, you need to be able to sit in them alone and understand them. What this time has taught me is that I can go and do whatever I want without anyone coming along. Hop in my car and do it. It’s taught me that instead of waiting for life to happen with someone, go out and live life, and if someone wants to join, let them but it’s okay if I also lose them because someone will come along that doesn’t get lost.

So, to sum it up I’m unemployed, single, and sitting in being lonely all while enjoying life. Here’s to sitting in it.