Equally as Gorgeous

It’s been a hot minute. Normally when I write these, the words and topic is on my mind for a couple days. The flow of it and where it ends is easy to see. I’ve had things on my mind lately, however, the words just aren’t coming to me. Where it starts to where it ends, just isn’t there.  The topic is, the words aren’t. Let’s see where this goes.I guess the topic that sits on my mind is, how we see ourselves and why we see ourselves the way we do. Why is the way I see myself so different than how others see me. The way I see myself is probably more critical than anyone. When I sit and think about it more, it’s quite clear how I could be so critical of myself. Since the accident, I see a lot of differences. Almost like two different people—there’s a Rachel prior to the accident and the “new” Rachel after the accident.

For some reason, sports comes so easy to me. I am just a naturally athletic person. That being said, here’s some POV’s on the differences in how I see myself compared to how others see me. Some back story, I played basketball in high school and to obviously boost my ego, I was good at it. Something about it, if I thought about a move or play, I could just do it. The accident happened before my senior year, so I played a whole year as the “new” Rachel. This is where that POV enters. Other’s point of view is that I overcame an obstacle and played basketball my senior year. I’m walking, even running, and can jump. I’m just playing the sport I loved. My body moves and yet is burned and broken when my odds of doing that were slim to none. Now for the juicy POV of how I see it. To me, I can’t run as fast as I used to or jump nearly as high. Those moves that I thought and just did, I still thought them but my body just didn’t move to do them. My ankles weren’t strong like they used to be to quickly change directions or do any type of fake. My confidence in playing wasn’t what it was. Even with things today like hiking or just working out, there’s always the comparison. Hiking isn’t as easy as just going out and doing it, I tend to overheat now and my legs start hurting a lot faster. It becomes more work than something that is fun.

Here’s the crazy thing, if that wasn’t crazy enough, I still go out and do these things like there’s been no change. I still love being active until I start to do that active thing and then I’m quickly reminded that my brain just can’t accept that there’s a difference in my body now and that maybe I shouldn’t do the active thing or mentally go into it thinking it’ll be the same as before. Without fail I always think I’m going to go at it differently, and then my brain just compares me with me. Let me tell you, it frustrates the shit out of me. Before you ask if this is mentally okay, just to confirm it isn’t. I talk to someone, we’re Gucci. Half way through any activity I always ask myself, why am I comparing me to me. I should be amazed I’m just even doing the thing. Back to that question, why do I see myself so differently and how come comparing me to me is the natural response?

If you know the answer, you don’t have to keep it to yourself, that’s a bit selfish. We all could use the answer in our own ways. I clearly don’t know the answer, or this wouldn’t have been written. I just try to accept my body the way it is today and change my POV to one that is grateful I’m even walking, running, or hiking. I have to accept that I just might have to do some prep work before any and all activities. Instead of thinking I can do that 8-mile hike or run, it’s okay to do the 2 mile one or just less. The point of view from the top or half way is different but equally as gorgeous. Guess the words did come to me…